It started with a boy I met at summer camp and ended with the man for whom I left my first husband. In between, I careened from one intimate entanglement to the next — dozens of them — without so much as a day off between romances. You might have called me a serial monogamist, except that I was never exactly monogamous. Relationships overlapped, and those overlaps were always marked by exhausting theatricality: Erie PA professional dating arguments, shaming confrontations, broken hearts.
Still, I kept doing it. Sex was just the gateway drug for me, a portal to the Monroe NC dating higher high I was really after, which was seduction. Seduction was never a casual sport for me; it was more like a heist, adrenalizing and urgent. I would plan the heist for months, scouting out the target, looking for unguarded entries. Then I would break into his deepest vault, steal all his emotional currency and spend it on myself. The trick was to study the other date polish girl NY and to become her opposite, thereby positioning myself to this man as a sparkling alternative to his regular life.
If he needed to sneak out of his house after midnight in order to call, better still. That was power, but it was also affirmation.
I loved that sensation, and I needed it, not sometimes, not even often, but always. I might indeed win the man eventually.
This always left me feeling abandoned and invisible; love that could be quenched was not nearly enough love for me. As soon as I could, then, I would start seducing somebody else, by turning myself into an entirely different woman, in order to no strings dating Newark NJ an entirely different man. These episodes of shape-shifting cost me dearly. I would lose weight, sleep, dignity, clarity. As anyone who has ever watched a bg Erie PA dating movie knows, transmutation is excruciating and terrifying, but once that process has been set into motion — once you have glimpsed that full moon — it cannot be reversed.
This guy is the one. Back then, if you asked me what I was up to, I might have claimed that I was a helpless romantic — and how can you judge that?
If really cornered, I might have argued that I was a revolutionary feminist, taking brazen agency over my own sexuality: I was Rodolphe Boulanger in these stories, and never pathetic little Emma Bovary. In my mids, I married, but NY boy dating profile even matrimony slowed me down.
Predictably, I grew restless and lonely. Soon enough I seduced someone new; the marriage collapsed.
But it was worse than just that. Before my divorce agreement was even ed, I was already breaking up with the guy I had broken up my marriage for. Trying to keep all my various story lines straight Whom am I angry at, again? Who is angry at me now? Whose office is this? At our last counseling session, my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend and I argued Utah of man dating, and we ran off in different directions.
I came home in tears, only to find a string of distressing phone messages from my divorce lawyer: Nothing but ruin on that front too.
Then I did an unusual thing. I did not grab the telephone and call yet another man.
For the first time, I forced myself to admit that I had a problem — indeed, that I was a problem. I hated that it took me almost 20 years to realize this.
There are year-old kids who know better than to behave this way. It felt shameful. But once I got it, I really got it: There is no way to stop free online dating for Greensboro destructive behavior, except to stop. Then one afternoon I ran into a guy I liked. We went for a long walk in the park. It was sweet.
My God, how I wanted to unwrap this man like a Christmas present! Uncertain, I tried something radically new.
We sat down on a park bench, and I got very quiet, picturing all the imaginable outcomes of this decision. The man took a magazine from his backpack and started reading, just to pass the time. This helped, actually. It proved the absence of intoxicating desperation.
This was not seduction; this was merely two sober adults, deciding whether they should get more involved with each other. We spent a few more pleasant hours together, then said our goodbyes. I walked away alone but calm. Confessions of a Seduction Addict.